Wednesday, January 6, 2010
A Place Of Extremes
This entry has been on my mind for about a month and a half now, finally time (and mood) to get it down. I spent the last 3 weeks of December on the west coast with my husband and our daughter celebrating Christmas and New Years with family and friends. As soon as I left Yellowknife I knew I would not want to come back, this scared me. I really began to dread having to come back here. I was fine, then I was not. As the holiday drew to a close I became increasingly depressed, I even cried new years eve, after midnight, because I could not say, "Happy New Year". The thoughts that dominated were,"I hate the cold, I hate the dark, why would anyone want to live here?". I am a fish out of water here. I enjoy 39 C with humidex. I returned to Yellowknife feeling homeless, as 5 months and much nesting failed to create the feeling of home for me. I dreaded seeing our place, our parking lot, and I wanted to quit my job, because I didn't want to see anyone. I wanted to hide in our place and just write. The book I am writing, however, is one that must be written from a healthy spiritual and emotional perspective. I was not feeling healthy, but, I believe in authenticity. I believe in utmost honesty, anything less is a lie, a false relationship to people and God. Through it all I have felt God encouraging me to feel what I feel, because only then can it be addressed. Only then can you come through. To let your mind preach religion to your heart will kill it. The Bible says that the heart is, "the wellspring of life". So if we kill our heart, we kill life. Allowing your heart, with all its passion, to live, is indeed painful at times, but I believe it must be allowed, otherwise you are already dead before you ever reach the grave. Why did I title this entry, "A Place Of Extremes"? I am trying to remember. Oh well, it'll come to me again.