Illusions

illusion (i-loo'zhen) n. 1. A false, misleading, or overly optimistic idea. 2. An impression not consistent with fact.

It has been a long time since I last updated this blog. I thought about why I haven't been blogging about Yellowknife life as I had originally intended and I have come up with some unfortunate truths. Originally when I started this blog, I chose to have an optimistic view of this particular northern experience of living in Yellowknife. Even though my heart was ripped out in leaving our home in southeastern Ontario, I eventually got over it, with God's help. I expected, however, to have a growing love take place in my heart for Yellowknife at the same time as getting over the heartbreak of leaving our previous home. To my perplexity this has not happened (yet). Quite the opposite, actually. There are people here I have come to know, love, and like, don't get me wrong, they are like precious droplets of water in a desert. I have had to supplement with alternate water sources to stay “hydrated”. Thank God for the internet making communication easy (when it, and the power, are not out that is). In the early months of our arrival up here I had full radar up for kindred spirits, I found few. And people up here are busy. Busy trying to live, to stay afloat, to maintain denial, to drown pain. Busy maintaining their illusions or escaping when it gets too much.

A big illusion I have encountered up here is that you will sock away money like nobody's business. That only works if you can find cheap accommodations ($400,000 for a decrepit trailer anyone?), put up with a freezing home to curb heat costs, hardly go out, don't buy any toys or new clothes and forget vacations. I can tell you right now that if you don't spend money on toys, vacations, heat or decent accommodations – you will quickly forget about the money you were supposedly saving and run. It is way too hard in this environment. In order to survive up here you will make compromises and you'll cut your losses. If you believe in God's calling on your life to be here, that will certainly help, He supplies grace, but that doesn't mean you don't get to experience the full brunt of this physical, spiritual and emotional environment at one point or another.

I have met a few folks who have told me they came up for 2 -3 years, but stayed 20. I would like to know their full stories. Some folks seem to thrive on hardship, gives them something to do. Perhaps they “work hard and play hard”, however that is usually a symptom of running from the realities of life. A way of avoiding pain, it's unbalanced, which has a reckoning day. There's a local bumper sticker that some like to put on their impractical and overpriced toys (mammoth pick-up trucks), it says, “If you can't have fun up here then give up”. I find it sad that these stickers come from a popular bar in town. There is mass addiction of every type up here, spanning every demographic. Adultery is a huge problem. Some of the highest debt accumulation in the country occurs right here in Yellowknife. Yet they party on...

My prayer has been to bring healing to the broken up here and after 2 years I am wondering if the broken are just happy to get their next fix, because I have not seen any growth, until recently. I am hopeful, that a recent life adjusting event that has occurred, which touched many in this community, will bump at least some out of the deep ruts in this town's roads. The government can throw money at this place all it wants, but if the people don't want to change, they won't. The illusions of money and adventure are perpetuated by large paycheques that get consumed by the business of survival (choose your poison) until the trap is fully locked on a life. I wonder how many of those people who stay, do so because they are perpetually hoping to recover from the financial and emotional landslide they realized too late – and if they left now (if that is even possible at this point) – it would appear to all have been for naught. How many of us are truly that humble, to know when we're beat, that our plans didn't work, or when it becomes obvious we've been deceived by illusions, to cut our losses and make a break for a real chance of recovery, while still licking our wounds? Not many.

I count myself blessed, in that although I was optimistic, I fell for few illusions. I believe our family was called here by God, that is the only reason we came, my husband's job has been a vehicle for God's purposes in our lives. So I am thankful, that although it's often been hard and ugly, I have learned a lot – and am still learning, and hoping. I am hoping for some miracle of God to transpire in people's lives here, that they would experience the lovingkindness of God and I would see it before I leave, thus experiencing His lovingkindness to me in the fulfillment of a dream. He has taken care of me and my family in that we have been protected from many of the traps of this place. My prayer is this, that I will be given the gift of seeing God move in His amazing and awesome way upon Yellowknife lives, dismantling and destroying the traps that keep them from abundance, that keep this place from abundance. I pray for the strength and grace necessary to navigate what must come before that is possible; the dismantling of illusions.

Where I'm At Now

Life has been good. I'll clarify; My heart has been good.

Yes, we are still in Yellowknife :o) ha-ha.

The poem in my last post describes what God did in response to the cries of my heart. He is a good, loving, merciful and gracious God. In the process of my heart transformation He gave me a clearer understanding of who He made me, what I am called to do, and affirmed me, ME... and once again proved His love.

Like a violin needing periodic tuning, He adjusts me... not so fun during the process, but oh so necessary for the instrument to emanate the beauty it was designed for. Then when the Maestro picks you up and begins to play the melody in His heart for you, you realize your purpose.

You feel fulfillment.

You remember joy.

You dream.

This is where I'm at, dreaming of impossibilities, fully confident of His plan to bless me, because He has proved His heart toward me.

The God of making the impossible, possible, is my friend.

A Poem

The Peace Of God

I cried out to Him;

He found me.

He fed me,

Like a little bird

without a nest;

He collected me

and fed me

from His hand.

He covered me

with His feathers,

and made me a home

in His heart;

He increased mine

to fit more

of Him.

My heart was surrounded;

He sent warriors

on my behalf.

He fought my battle

for me;

He always wins.

I gave myself

to Him;

He gave me peace.

He gave Himself.

Written By Magdalena Leaker

March 23,2010

Of Ravens And Ptarmigans

As I sat in my van, near my now frozen dock, I noticed a family of 10 Ptarmigan. I observed this adorable creature and made mental notes. It is pure white, except for a couple of black feathers on the tail and I think a red spot above the eye. It is very round (I wonder if it has a big heart in there), with a little head and short, fluffy-feather legs, about the shape of a Quail. I observed that they ignored me (wanted nothing from me) and harvested their food from nature. They sat together, peacefully, after eating. It seems they fly only if they must. They run as fast as their little legs can go, they seem to enjoy moving along the land in flocks.

There were also a couple of Ravens near the van. They are pure black, with a large head (intellectual bird) and a large, evenly proportioned body. They puff their feathers out to keep warm. The Ravens are always at this spot, as there is a garbage can, as well as some litter on the ground. Sometimes they freak me out as they land on the hood of my van in front of me, where the windshield meets it and stare at me. They wait for me to give them something. This time I had fig newtons, so I tossed one out. Immediately the Raven was upon it. It grabbed the fig newton and flew off, as another Raven tried to steal it, chasing and harassing in mid-air.

I pondered these two different birds and I felt the Spirit of God begin to speak to me about them. The Ptarmigan symbolizes God's provision. It is there for the taking, we just need to know how to appropriate it. The Ptarmigan rely on what God provides for them in nature and they themselves are a provision for others. They live in harmony with each other, it is interesting that this bird is white. Purity. The Raven is the complete opposite, and I believe symbolizes what happens to us when we look elsewhere for our provision. The things that anesthetize our hearts, junk food for the heart, causes us to forget and even lose taste for, that which is truly good. The Raven is an intelligent bird and I believe that is a clue. When knowledge of both good and evil and the temptation to "be like God" causes us to walk away from Him, we also walk away from Eden; God's provision.

Remote Car Starter

Get it. Don't wait. Do it now. Ignore any horror stories you hear (one in a million). Get them professionally installed before you move up here, it'll be less expensive. We have a 2007 Pontiac Montana and it cost about $500 to get it done here through GM, which is cheaper (and better) than the Canadian Tire Special we almost went for.

Oh yeah, this is over and above your block heater, my husband also installed various fluid heaters to plug in as well, your engine will thank you for it.

Also, people put up wind screens in their front vehicle grills to help keep the engine warmer. Some are fancy, metal, after-market type, others are cardboard. Both seem to work, one looks better.

Place Of Extremes II

During the first couple days back in Yellowknife (from our B.C. holiday) I felt under attack. I was feeling depressed about having to be here and things were not co-operating. I felt the gentle encouragements God brought my way, they were like little nuggets of food to a starver. I felt I was coming out of the depressed state, and I guess I really was, because I began to feel angry. We finally had a car-starter installed in our van. This, folks, is equivalent to something like winning the lottery. I relished the thought of not freezing my a-- off while trying to scrape ice from the windows, interior and exterior and then waiting for the windows to defrost and my nose to thaw. I pressed the button in the warmth of my living room, the van roared to life...ahhh... I let the van warm up for half an hour that morning, to let it get nice and luxuriously warm. I bundled up my daughter, myself, our stuff and my husband's flight jacket, which he forgot, and headed out. Quickie scrape to the windows and in I went, this morning we would be on time for school... but where was my key? I checked my keychain, checked the other, fumbled through my purse, called my husband (he didn't have it), ran to the house (van still running, but no key in ignition to drive it). No key. That was it. I had had it. I blew. The only reason that key was not on the keychain is because I had to separate it to start the vehicle before Christmas holidays, yet be able to still use the remote locking system to secure my vehicle while it warmed up because it's so ___-____ cold here! Because I had no auto-start system at that time, because we were naive southerners! Can you feel the rage? I couldn't believe that after all that, I had to go and warm up our completely frozen corolla. I felt like I was being beaten when I was down, like someone just took back the morsel of food from this starver. My daughter was half-hour late for school. To top it all off I woke that morning with lower right abdominal pain. I am still in possession of my vermiform appendix, so as I raced to school with a painful abdomen I envisioned unpleasantries, not to mention the pain just ____ me right off. I returned to our place and called my good and dear friend, ah, a ray of sunshine. Then I called 'Tele-health NWT'. "Go to emergency right away, do not drive yourself, get someone to drive you, if you can't, call an Ambulance." Apparently they thought this was serious, and I felt it probably was, since I am 9 weeks pregnant (that is a joy and a gift, as we have been trying for 3 years). Sharp perspective just came into focus. My husband and I saw the beating heart of our little "sea-horse" in my womb, not in my tube. Thank you God. And my appendix was fine. It turned out to be a harmless cyst rupture on my ovary where they sometimes form as the last egg exits.

I am starting to accept, again, that there is a purpose for me being here. It surely is a place where my emotions have run the full spectrum, and God still loves me through it all. He is not threatened by me. I tell Him things that a religious person would never dare. I told Him if He put me in another situation of angst I'd never trust Him again. He told me I was like David who wrote the Psalms, and God called Him, "a man after God's own heart." God does not want us to kill our hearts, or anesthetize them. He'll take the good with the bad and work on it. My heart needed to be rescued, I certainly was not going to rescue my own heart. I was testing Him with a test He wanted me to apply to Him. "Will you rescue this living heart of flesh God?" Because a living heart feels very deeply, it is capable of extreme pain... and extreme joy. "So here is my heart God, in all its pain. Do something about it, 'cause I ain't! Waaah!" And He is. That was what He was waiting for. He is the healer and He is faithful and now He has the opportunity to prove it. I wait in expectation.

A Place Of Extremes

This entry has been on my mind for about a month and a half now, finally time (and mood) to get it down. I spent the last 3 weeks of December on the west coast with my husband and our daughter celebrating Christmas and New Years with family and friends. As soon as I left Yellowknife I knew I would not want to come back, this scared me. I really began to dread having to come back here. I was fine, then I was not. As the holiday drew to a close I became increasingly depressed, I even cried new years eve, after midnight, because I could not say, "Happy New Year". The thoughts that dominated were,"I hate the cold, I hate the dark, why would anyone want to live here?". I am a fish out of water here. I enjoy 39 C with humidex. I returned to Yellowknife feeling homeless, as 5 months and much nesting failed to create the feeling of home for me. I dreaded seeing our place, our parking lot, and I wanted to quit my job, because I didn't want to see anyone. I wanted to hide in our place and just write. The book I am writing, however, is one that must be written from a healthy spiritual and emotional perspective. I was not feeling healthy, but, I believe in authenticity. I believe in utmost honesty, anything less is a lie, a false relationship to people and God. Through it all I have felt God encouraging me to feel what I feel, because only then can it be addressed. Only then can you come through. To let your mind preach religion to your heart will kill it. The Bible says that the heart is, "the wellspring of life". So if we kill our heart, we kill life. Allowing your heart, with all its passion, to live, is indeed painful at times, but I believe it must be allowed, otherwise you are already dead before you ever reach the grave. Why did I title this entry, "A Place Of Extremes"? I am trying to remember. Oh well, it'll come to me again.